I couldn't care less.
I spent lots of time trying to find the excuses for me to jerk before I go to work without feeling any guilt afterwards. Here they are:
1. Windows Vista is not as fast as it should be. I need to occupy the time I spend waiting.
2. I forgot when I last had decent sex with my beloved.
3. After I jerk off I feel no interest towards half-naked asian beauties, who I see in the bars in plenty.
4. There's always no woman who could satisfy me when I'm on a business trip.
5. It feels good.
6. After jerking off I forget that I'm a human being and act like a robot. That's real corporate style.
7. It takes my mind off other things, those being work, weather, sex, money, relationships.

@музыка: Dogs Die In Hot Cars - Pastimes and Lifestyles

13:49

I couldn't care less.
Fast and yeah, try to follow me, try to follow me.
From city to city, when as the last time we had a rest or had a drink or slept in a decent bed?
They're always hiding under the bed, always. The unswept ashes, the unheard screams.
I'm here. I'm anywhere. If you come to think of it, I can be right behind your back.
Try to calm her down, try to be so considerate that it hurts.
Actually, it makes you vomit.
I'm nowhere and it's now (c)
She says she loves me, but does she, really, or is it just another game she's trying to play? Like, am I someone else's hobby? She's jealous. I'm fast. This time she's the one to cry, I'm not.
Whatever. What I mean is: if she leaves me, which she might, where will I sleep? We got only one bed.



@музыка: The White Stripes - You Don't Know What Love Is, You Just Do What You're Told

08:56

I couldn't care less.
Самая мощная в мире бомба испытана в России. Она создана с использованием нанотехнологий и не загрязняет окружающую среду. Все эти слова произнес заместитель начальника Генерального штаба Вооруженных сил России генерал-полковник Александр Рукшин в вечернем эфире Первого канала во вторник, 11.09.2007.
Да, она ее не загрязняет. Она ее просто сносит нахрен.


05:19

Corpofilia

I couldn't care less.
It's an "either-or" situation. Either I jerk off or someone else jerks me off.
They. All. Want. My. Meat.

09:51

I couldn't care less.

And there I go again: Shanghai Nanjing and back. The memories, the pieces of the phone talks are strung between them and there’s no use getting out of the web. The same music as two cities ago. The tangerine-big sun hangs low over the speedway railroad. I give classes. I speak different languages. I ask them and they answer me. The trees dash by the window as fast as the train moves on. Half an hour here, half an hour there. More than enough. Documents. Pieces of paper that don’t mean anything. Nothing at all. Probably they will lead me somewhere sometime.


Actually, I might probably arrive at some final destination and will never move again. Not that I want it, though. I get blamed for everything I’m not guilty of. That’s somewhat good, since the things I am guilty of go unnoticed. Yet it’s so annoying. I seem to be lost for words. And the ones I got stick out of my mouth so awkward. I’m actually no composed, I just stopped caring. They might be shouting at me or ignoring me, I’m better off with me myself, porn and PC games.


True love. What’s that? A branded concept. A thing that sells itself. A Big Lie. I wake up and smell her hair. Is it love? I see her going to the shower. Naked. She’ll never get naked in front of someone else. Probably. Does love presuppose mutual nudity? If it does, can a morgue be called the temple of love? If not, then why do naked people make love at all?


It’s hard to read her thoughts. Her mind. Is it because she’s so secretive or because she’s got no thoughts at all? I’ll never know, but what I know is that idealising kills. I mean, first it dumbs you down and only then kills. And, if I may, that’s a very pathetic death. That’s very stupid, anyway, to be speaking about this being half-married and all. It seems to be almost like some second-rate movie where everyone’s happy and have a photograph-happy family and they have parties together on the weekends and a good job and they live in condos. Yeah, they always live in condos.


I also do. I hate condos. I say that I do, but the miserable part of me says I should be willing to go up. A higher floor, more money every year, fringe benefits, social insurance, a friendly dentist and a fluffy dog. I hate that. It’s just like in “Fight Club” only in the reverse. I changed a shithole for a condo, whereas he shifted back. Well, the thought is: he somehow got into that condo with an yin-yang table and all that IKEA furniture. It didn’t come down to him by heritage and he wasn’t born right at his working place.


I wear a white shirt. Long sleeve. Strictly long sleeve.


Tell you what: before going to sleep I’m humbly calculating how much of my alter-self I’ve already sold or changed to fit the company policy. What’s more: I try to figure out how far I can go. What else to sell. Not too much now, yet it’s so comforting to have something left in stock.


Fuck it. It’s a corporate fuck it, btw

14:28

I couldn't care less.
Probably they're reading it behind my back. 3 cities in a day and there'll always be someone standing behind. Watching you. REading you. Hot asphalt, so hot it melts. Selling systems and the sound of a HiFi audio system blaring at its top volume. Night buses. Cooldown mode. Empty streets. Web-surfing. They've infected me with the WiFi, what am I going to do when the connection's lost? When there's one? That's a different reality we entertain ourselves in. Online games, chats, Gatorade. Trips. From a place to a place to a place. All of them so similar that they seem familiar. All of them result in newsletters. I forget the jeans I put on the back of a chair in a hotel two hotels before today.
I blend with the environment. I learn the words. And then they skip my mind. I start the course of self-selling and, probably, I'm already on the shelf of one of the online stores.
Blabber.

12:31

I couldn't care less.




14:11

I couldn't care less.
Ah, oh, yeah, deeper, deeper, now leave, leave a comment over here. What else you do if you don't have to do anything. Basically my job is something between a psycho-resort and a permanent deadline. I quit eating and being bad and spoilt. Like a kid, as innocent as a kid. As wicked as one too. See the sides? I have nothing to do, so I write. I write everything to everyone. I chat. I use all the sites that are available on this circumsized network to chat. I trade my time for some reason. Logic - being. I see the product. The product sees me and wants me to go deeper. Deeper. Now leave. Leave a comment underneath.

13:48

I couldn't care less.
They're removing the words from the surface of the reality. Im removing myself. And then I'm blocking popups. I know when is the exact time to block them. I talk. And talk. And talk.

13:19

I couldn't care less.
Those are just temporary lags. They disappear. They reappear. They never come back. I write. It stays. And then it goes away. And it's nowhere. One second it's in my memory, another second it's worldwide, and then suddenly it's gone, it's over.
Is that important? No, it's not. I fail? No, I don't. Who does then? Someone else.

09:32

I couldn't care less.
She hates my classes. No, she loathes them. Well, all the rest like them. Am I waiting for an approval, for fuck's sake? I never cared about that. And am not going to care about it now. The more she says to herself that she'd never understand English, the less chance she got to. I tried to explain that to her. I failed.
No, I didn't fail. Her brain failed. Not for the first time either.
"It's irony, dear" (c). Remember that. As long as possible.
Well, virtually I might have a go with another kind of love. "Drama, drama, drama" (c)

14:41

I couldn't care less.

And once again I’m taking the bus from Nowhere to Shanghai. There’s a nice girl around here. I’ll be imagining my fucking her. 2.5 hours of trip. Her legs. The smell of her hair. The way she moans. Everything in such a dirty detail that’ll make it almost palpable.


I’m almost transparent.
I write letters to sponsors. I answer the phone calls and write an endless business plan. I create a database. I try to sell. I'm marketing shows.
Look through.



12:27

I couldn't care less.
I seem to be doing something. I'm teaching the one I fuck.
Oh, how strange it feels.
"...twist of fate" (c)
not many people have these in English. And me? I just don't have any other choice.

15:36

I couldn't care less.
I have my system crash
The second time
in a couple of days
I think my laptop is
no longer mine,
it's hers anyway

22:31

I couldn't care less.
And I'm looking for something sentimental online. I lie. Online. And offline. Yeah, sure, I've been there. But I've never registered an account at love.mail.ru. I lie. It's getting harder and harder to do that, especially when you lie to those who have known you for quite a time.
I need practice.
Or maybe it's because of boredom. You don't want me. You want to want, but you cannot. Don't worry, it happens, I understand. We just need to sleep in separate beds for some time. With a couple of other people. And then I won't have to lick your cunt forever.
At least that's a thought.
Thay've dragged 6 whores through the revolving doors of this hotels, while I was browsing porn sites. It's all around me: sex, violence. Those primal screems from behind the opposite door.
Just a feeling.
And what a weird one.

14:02

I couldn't care less.
The first autumn I don't have to study. Full time job. Full time waste of self. Whatever. Money's set as the main objective. Now fucking around is called "conquering the market".
I'm in.
I got the latest Sony Vaio. Dark blue. I got Vista. And, btw, it's the first licensed one I got in 7 years. The first time when the only extfa thikng I need to install over a system is not a browser or a download manager, but Office and games. It' understandable. Works pretty fast if you got the broadband. And now I do. I work in a new environment with the new people. Each day I speak 3 languages at least and hear even more. Day after day I come to forget what was it like to have been the other me. I'm growing up. Or, rather, am I being grown up by someone else? The International gay community will teach me how to be diligent and always on top.
I'll read their books.
I'm part of the global marketing processs no matter I want it or not. I guess I do. Big clubs. Big shows. Bigger events for lots of money. I'm on top. I'm boheme. I'm entertainment. My movie for the moment is "Thank You for Smoking".
"I talk for a living" (c).
I jerk off in the hotel bathroom having 20 minutes to get ready for another business meeting. I dress nice. I got business cards. I got company. I sell my freedom for popularity.
I gave everything up and came around with a new set of values in my laptop bag. I have them A4 printed in gloss. I'm neon and fluor.
I travel. I go fast. I choose the right ways. Every way I choose is right only because it's mine.
What do you have to say to that?
I type fast. I don't play games.
I'm just hanging around.
Waiting for the big money to come in. Stupid, eh?
Anyway, no other like me. No place like this. I live in Shanghai. It's like NY, only bigger.
Happy?
No.
I want more.

20:43

I couldn't care less.
This is when I want to fuck. "I wanat a lover I don't have to love" (c). I want to fuck some drunk Chinese chick, who won't even even know what's happening. "So drunk she cannot talk" (c). I want it hard. Perverted. Dirty. Naked with the lights on. No "I love you"s, no words at all. Only moaning. The bestial language. Animals. I want it so much I can see it in details. Every curve of her imperfect body. I want it depraved, libertine. I see it in the eyes of the girls passing by and disappearing round the corner. I want it sweaty. Breathtaking. Long and nasty.
I'm sick of the casual sex I get after supper. It's like toothpicks, you get it so free, you don't even notice it. There's nothing sacred left to it. Nothing forbidden. In and out. Usual moves. Same words. No sensation.
I want it as hot as it was for the first time. I want it as unknown. As ugly. Bad. She's got a tatoo on her back. She does everything you'd never do. You don't let me do. You think indecent to do. I want it indecent. I want to fuck her, and pound hard on her, and then fuck her again.
I want to smell her desire. I want her to lick me all over.
I want some life amongst the decay you offer me.

13:40

I couldn't care less.
Burning. Blood rush. "10-th". Guess how it feels.

13:34

I couldn't care less.

Не хватает никотина,
Не хватает алкоголя.
Что такое флеш картинки,
виски с колой и не больно
Мне сказали не волнуйся
попросили не влюбляться,
расписали поминутно
и заставили смеяться
весна
открылась осень черным цветом,
этим летом мы замерзнем навсегда

***

Женщина сидит и смотрит в зал.
у нее красивые глаза.
за очками темных стекол
их не видно,
я теряюсь,
я не знаю, что тебе сказть.



08:56

I couldn't care less.
А плюшевый медведь, в какое отверстие его ни еби, будет улыбаться своей дурацкой плюшевой улыбкой.